I’ve been debating posting for a couple days, and well, here we are!
How have we been?! I thought I’d post a wee bit of writing because I saw it was mental health awareness week and that’s kinda near and dear to me.
So uh, yeah. What’s gone on so far in 2019 for me personally? Well number one I got a job! It was great for the most part and then BOOM; I’m struck with several bouts of physical illness. Typical. Because of that, I now find myself unemployed again. I won’t lie, it’s tough financially as the government are taking the piss getting me some housing benefit but I’m very grateful to have some amazing friends and family to help me out financially and I’m feeling very positive that I’ll find something new soon.
Now, you may be thinking “housing benefit?!” – YES BITCH I FINALLY GOT MY OWN PLACE!!! If you read my last blog, you’ll know it’s been my life goal to move out of my parents and I FUCKING DID IT. It’s expensive and gets pretty lonely sometimes but I’m so happy to have my own little cave to be a gremlin in. I do have housemates, who are mostly great when they’re not singing real loud, but I fucking miss my cats so much. Yes Trixie is here with me, but she can’t lie on me all night and give me dead legs can she? But yeah, doing what I want when I want and eating what I want is fucking dope. I feel like an actual adult.
I got some new medication too, which I’ll elaborate on in a bit, and I was able to go back to my second home, Germany. That place holds so many special memories for me and I get to spend it with the greatest people in the world and I can’t wait to go back yet again and eat McDonald’s every single day. I said I wanted to go to Ireland too but that hasn’t happened… yet. This is now dependent on getting a job. I will go though. I am determined. I also wanted to get more tattoos and go back to the gym… yeah still working on that too. Bloody money. They say money can’t buy happiness but it could get me a nice sleeve and a toned butt that’s for sure. The vegan thing has been SUPER difficult. I tend to only eat chicken if I’m out having a roast dinner and I have a few tins of tuna left from moving in my cupboard but apart from that, no meat, egg or dairy! I’ve found a new love for veggies and rice so that’s really helping. The last thing on my to do list was to post on here more and get new graphics and well… you can see how that went.
ANYWAY. Back to the main topic: mental health. As you can tell from above, my mental health has been really up and down over the past 5 months and being borderline really doesn’t help. The main downside is it seems that everyone is so caught up in their own shit, they forget that other people, friends, family are struggling too. I try my hardest to reach out but I won’t lie; it’s difficult. A typical BPD scenario is one minute to be like “leave me alone!” And the next to be like “please don’t leave me”. It’s a condition that isn’t known much about and therefore it TERRIFIES me to open up to people about it. I’m very shut off unless people reach out to me and ask me how I’ve been and then I completely overshare. It’s a very two edged sword.
BPD is similar to bipolar as you go through manic and depressive episodes, but these tend to be more like very frequent mood swings. God bless anyone that’s stuck by me after experiencing mine. You do things on impulse quite a lot and usually this doesn’t go well. A BPD mind likes to do things that involves risk; drugs, binge eating, self harm, sex, drinking. Most people have some sort of abandonment issue, but the condition is so varied this could range from isolating yourself in your room or kicking off at someone for not texting back. In fact the reason why most people don’t ever get diagnosed is because there are upwards of 10 different symptoms. I’d really urge anyone who even feels they can even slightly relate to this to speak to someone, even if it’s just a helpline. My biggest problem is not being able to reach out when I’m struggling and I’d encourage people not to get into the same rut I have.
There’s not much known about BPD compared to other mental illnesses, which is strange when you think that over 2% of the UK population has been diagnosed with it. The only thing offered to me by doctors is anti depressants, beta blockers for anxiety and sometimes, if you’re lucky, you *might* get referred to a counsellor or support worker; usually with a lengthy waiting list. I guess everyone is different, but I will say the medication helps keep my mood A LOT more stable and prevents me from getting teary. I’m saying this as the internet seems to be full of pill shaming lately. If going outside and getting fresh air works for you; great, but it doesn’t work for everyone. I’d gladly invite anyone who is anti medication to come live with me for a week unmedicated and see if you can handle it. You won’t. You really won’t. Please don’t let any random uneducated fucker pressure into taking or not taking medication. Your journey is your own and only you know what’s best for your own body.
The amount of celebrity suicides lately has really hit hard. It seems even worse for men as society’s toxic masculinity says that men should be strong and not feel negative emotions. One story that got me was a kid in my sister’s year at school took his own life back in March. 18 fucking years old. Like that breaks me. At the same time, I remember how difficult it is for young people to get onto the child mental health service list. So many hoops to jump through yet the government just wants to do more and more cuts. Theresa May decided she wanted to light up her house green in honour of mental health awareness week. I’m not quite understanding it. If I was gonna put in green lights at my crib, it would be in tribute to Shrek. Honestly these rich politicians have never struggled a day in their life and it shows.
Anyway I’m rambling a bit now. I guess the point in all of this is me trying to say it will get better. Take care of yourself. Get that chicken chow mein if it makes you happy. Make regular doctors appointments. And most importantly; treat people how you would want to be treated. Message your friends if they’ve gone a bit quiet. Ask them round for a cup of tea. Go walk some dogs at your local animal sanctuary. If we all look after each other, we’ll all be sound.
Right. Yep. Rambling done. I may or may not be under the influence writing this. That wasn’t me who wanted the wine, it was my personality disorder. I’ve got some links on my site for certain charities who could help ya if ya need it.